evidence list

At any given time I have a to-do list. I like to-do lists because it helps me to get things down on paper so that my mind doesn't have to worry about forgetting.

But sometimes my to-do list can feel overwhelming and heavy. 

I was telling a friend this the other day and she said she also keeps an "evidence list"—it's her list of all the goodness and little miracles unfolding in her life. She said it feels good to write it down and then she looks back at it when she needs "proof" that things are gonna be okay. 

I love this idea!

Especially for those of us inclined to keep a list of all that needs to be done, why not also keep a list of all the good that has already been "done."

I've been trying it and I like it!

Here are a couple recent entries on my evidence list: 
I made these muffins (they were good!) 
I watched a youtube video and learned how to unclog the garbage disposal and it worked (this felt like a miracle!)
My daughter and I had a little "birthday party" for our chihuahua and had some friends over to celebrate. It was such silly fun. 

If you struggle with your to-do list and this speaks to you, try making an "evidence list" of all the goodness and little moments of miracles unfolding in your life. 

And tell me how it goes—I'd love to hear! Or if you already do this kind of thing, I'd love to hear some of your recent entries. 

With care,
Brianna

p.s. photo above is the birthday boy...ha!

waiting and annoyed

Do you ever feel like you're just waiting to step into life? Hoping there will be a specific moment where something clicks, when the pain of remaining the same will be greater than the fear of change?

In my own experience, I have to become very annoyed with myself and all my waiting and repeating, with telling the same story over and over.

It feels like stubbing my toe on the same chair leg again and again and again. Until...move the chair! Or change where I’m walking!

But I'm so grateful for annoyance because it has given me the inner oomph to make really big and scary changes. 

What about you? I'd love to hear what it takes for you! 

And a poem by Linda Pastan from her book Waiting for My Life.

With care,
Brianna

P.S. Want help making a change? This is what coaching is all about, and I'm here. 

top photo by Alexey Demidov

the myth of starting over

When I started coaching in 2021, I thought it would be completely separate from my 15+ years of working in editing/publishing. I thought I was starting over. 

I wanted to continue freelance editing in addition to life coaching, but I thought they would be two very different businesses. 

I'm sure you can see where this is heading...I was wrong!

Coaching clients want support around the topic of writing blocks/procrastination or making a friendlier writing practice or putting their work into the world. 

And editing clients hire me to work on their books about relationships, codependency, emotional neglect, mindfulness, and religious trauma. (All topics I work with in life coaching!) 

I was shocked. So much overlap. 

I'm learning that starting over—whether in a career or in relationships or after a move—doesn't mean we start at zero or that we "wasted so much time." This is black and white thinking. And this fear of "zero" can actually keep us from making necessary changes.  

But what if nothing is wasted? 

That's where I'm at today. And I'm so glad I was proven wrong! :) 

With care,
Brianna

P.S. If you're "starting over" in some area of your life and want support, coaching can really help. 
P.P.S. And if you're interested in my editing work, find more info here. 

Photo by Andre Hunter.

squinty old eye

I'm listening to Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes' series The Dangerous Old Woman: Myths and Stories of the Wise Woman Archetype. (If you have a library card and use Hoopla, you can also find this series there.)

In it she discusses the archetype of the vampire/predator, which she says can exist in us as a part of our psyche and outside of us in the form of other people, ideas, institutions, etc.

And our work is to be like the wise old woman who is openhearted but also squints her eye and can spot this archetype a mile away. Telling it like it is. Following our own correct intuitions. Knowing that how something begins is often how it ends, meaning that if we have doubts and uncertainties at the beginning but push those away, it is to our own detriment. 

This idea of aiming to become more like the wise old woman—bold and direct and trusting of our instincts is giving me so much life these days. Dr. Estes also says this is something we must begin to teach our younger ones and also the child spirit inside us, the part of us that is more likely to be deceived or put to sleep or give it's life-force away. 

And by the way, if this feels challenging, remember that this kind of directness and self-trust is not encouraged in our wider culture, which wants us to stay naïve, asleep, agreeable, and trusting of others over ourselves.

So it takes practice. And a sense of humor about the bumps in the road.  

Here's to getting lots of practice seeing clearly with our old squinty eye,
Brianna

P.S. If you want a co-conspirator in your journey toward being direct, seeing clearly, and trusting yourself, I'm here for it!

word of mouth

”Finally I am coming to the conclusion that my highest ambition is to be what I already am….For it is the unaccepted self that stands in my way—and will continue to do so as long as it is not accepted. When it has been accepted—it is my own stepping stone to what is above me.”
—Thomas Merton, from A Search for Solitude: The Journals of Thomas Merton, October 2, 1958

I love these lines from Merton’s journal and the paradox he highlights—that in the act of fully accepting ourselves we discover an even deeper and wider self…and begin to live from there.

What would it look like for you to practice being what you already are?

For me right now, I'm thinking about it in terms of building my coaching practice (I’m taking new clients!) and accepting the way I want to do things.

I've definitely considered getting back on social media or trying some new platform or marketing plan, and each time I've looked into it, it just falls flat for me. 

I am drawn to doing things the old-fashioned way—with word-of-mouth and asking for referrals and sending a newsletter out.

I printed out business cards and I've been telling people about what I do and that I’m taking new clients. And then I’m asking if they know anyone who might be interested.

Revolutionary, right?!

I'm excited to see how it unfolds, and in the meantime, I'm enjoying the invitation to be what I am, even in the way I share my work (otherwise known as marketing). 

With care,
Brianna

Photo from Better Things (Sam Fox definitely does word of mouth! ).

I learned this lesson late

I've been thinking about what it means to live in your own power—not power over anyone else or under anyone else, but your own inner power. 

And I like addiction counselor Pia Mellody's idea that power comes from self-control and living in action rather than reaction to other people and circumstances.  

It sounds so obvious!

When we are living in reaction, we are frightened and scrambled. When we practice holding a sturdy and stable presence, we can move and act with clarity. This is inner power.  

But when you've been a people-pleaser, reacting to others is kinda your default. 

It's a big learning curve. At least it has been for me. 

The good news is that it just feels so much better to live attuned to this inner power. So as soon as you start to taste what it feels like to live from this deeper place, it gets easier. 

With care,
Brianna

P.S. And an except from Linda Pastan's poem "The One-Way Mirror Back." (And thanks to Tonia Peckover's lovely newsletter for introducing me to Linda Pastan and so many other good things.)

Photo by Mason C

marking + honoring transitions

When my kids and I moved this year, it could have just been a time of stress and exhaustion and to-do lists.

But thankfully I also had a house blessing with friends to honor the transition and to honor our family home. We sang and walked through the home and lit candles and laughed. 

When my divorce process was finalized with a 10-minute zoom hearing, if I was looking for some kind of deeper closure from the legal system I would have been really disappointed!

Thankfully, I made a ceremony to mark this life-changing moment—to honor the marriage and the ending of the marriage. And it was so life-giving and life-healing. 

When I had a client who had a complicated relationship with her father and wanted to shift the energy around sending her dad monthly financial support, we dreamed up a little ceremony for doing just that. And now she does this each month before hitting send. 

I care deeply about honoring milestones and transitions and seeing the sacred in them.

Which is why I offer a coaching session for crafting milestone rituals/ceremonies.

Because ritual allows our bodies and spirits to bond to meaning.

And because the wider culture doesn’t have a way to recognize so many of the life-transitions we experience (only the transitions that affirm our culture’s values), which means our bodies and our spirits are left hanging. 

I think ritual/ceremony can help with this—from divorce and miscarriage and health changes to house blessings and vocation changes and empty-nest transitions and sobriety celebrations. 

Here’s how it works:

I’ll send you some questions/exercises for pre-work, and then we’ll meet on zoom for a 90-minute coaching session to dream up your ritual/ceremony. We’ll make sure you have everything you need to allow your body and spirit to bond to meaning, and then we can practice the ritual together at the end of our session or you can save it for the right time. You can sign up here.

With gratitude,
Brianna

Photo by Sidharth Bhatia

summer angst

Every summer I spend a week or two struggling with the season of summer. I usually feel like I'm not having enough fun or not traveling enough or not relaxing enough...just generally not doing it right.

Yep. Good times. :) 

And then I quickly think this struggle is something I need to fix about myself, get rid of. 

But Rumi writes: “Your anxiety comes from your search for tranquility. Accept chaos and peace will surely follow.” 

Yes. 

Struggle and even chaos are legitimate parts of our existence and not signals that we're doing it "wrong."

Our path isn't about eliminating the struggle. It's about the alchemy that happens when we consciously respond to the struggle, perhaps with kindness and even acceptance. 

More of this, please, this summer,
Brianna

P.S. Want support around consciously responding to life's struggles? I'm here. 

Photo by Robert Bye @robertbye

money

For the last couple years I've been trying to re-examine my views on money (I used to think it was just a necessary evil). 

I've been reading both practical books about budgeting and financial planning and also more conceptual books about gender roles and racism and money and consumerism, but my favorite so far has been The Soul of Money. 

The author Lynn Twist was a professional fundraiser for large nonprofits. And I love her perspectives on the myth of scarcity and the idea of "enough."

She points out that the myth of scarcity and it's three parts—that there's not enough to go around, more is better, and this is just the way it is—are ingrained in us from the beginning. Twist gives the example of the childhood game of musical chairs, where we literally teach children the idea that resources are scarce and to grab what they can in order to win! 

But what if there is enough? 

Twist writes, "When we let go of the chase for more, and consciously examine and experience the resources we already have, we discover our resources are deeper than we knew or imagined."

This kind of paradox—that when we focus on what we already have with gratitude, what we already have is expansive—rings very true to me. 

A conscious attention of gratitude is the medicine for scarcity. And it's helped me change both my practical approaches and my heart/mindset toward money. 

What do you think? Do you have a favorite book or resource on money? I'd love to hear! 

With care,
Brianna

P.S. Are you re-examining your views on big life topics like money or god or your relationships or meaning/purpose? If you want support in this process, I'm here!

P.P.S. And a little more food for thought from one of my spiritual teachers, Cynthia Bourgeault, on the power of gratitude: "It’s easy to be grateful when something good has been done for you, but have you ever thought about gratitude not as a response but as a force in its own right; an initiating and healing energy that is not dependent on external circumstances but is rather an innate power of the human soul? When understood and wielded in this fashion, it has the power to liberate us from our self-imposed prisons of self-pity and envy and to actually change the energy fields (and hence, the outcome) of our circumstances."

Photo via Unsplash: Dylan Hunter @dylhunter

the right to make mistakes

A little love note to my fellow recovering perfectionists...

When I'm in a shame attack, I forget my humanity. I forget I have rights, including the right to make a mistake. 

I used to edit a literary magazine, and I would literally be unable to open the new issue when it arrived (I would ask someone else to open it first) out of fear of finding a glaring typo.

I didn't know that making a mistake is a right that I have. The right to not be a robot. The right to not be perfect. The right to be a human goofing up, making a mistake, and then moving on.

I love framing it this way, because it reminds me that mistakes are something worth claiming—one of our human rights! 

And since then, I've learned some functional ways to approach mistake-making. 

If I think I made a mistake, it helps to name it and handle it lightly—oops, I goofed! No more avoiding.

It helps to check it out with a friend and make sure I'm not being too hard on myself.

If someone was harmed and amends are needed, I can make amends (lightly!) and then move on with life. This is the kicker—and then move on. 

And these days, I'm even interrogating my idea of what qualifies as a mistake. According to whom? I might ask.

It helps to remember the mysteries of trying to classify right and wrong. This is not a science. 

And we get to claim the right to make mistakes.

Here's a beautiful poem about a supposed "mistake" from poet Laura Gilpin's book The Hocus Pocus of the Universe. 

Here's to seeing twice as many stars as usual.

Sending lots of human, mistake-filled love to you,
Brianna

P.S. If you want support around being human and making mistakes, I'm here. 

Photo via Unsplash: Sarah Kilian @rojekilian

I'm not worried about you one bit

I think most of us are looking for more trust, which seems to be a missing nutrient in our world today. 

In my editing and coaching work and in my personal relationships, one small but mighty gesture I can make toward generating more trust is to hold a vision of high regard for my clients and loved ones. 

This means choosing to not bring an energy of worry and fear to the table, not scrambling and fretting and over-compensating.

This isn't always easy. Especially in our most intimate relationships.

But when I am doing my own inner work to be a sturdy presence, I can trust my loved ones or my clients. And I reflect this back to them at times when they might be struggling to trust themselves. 

I learned this from my sponsor in my 12-step program.

I would call her and frantically pour out whatever awful problem I was facing. She would listen and ask questions and remind me of my tools. And then she would end the call by saying this: 

I'm not worried about you one bit. 

I remember in the beginning of our work together how this baffled me. What!? You're not worried? I'm a disaster! You should be! Ha. 

But I also felt a tiny dose of her trust carry over to me. And it was life-giving and nourishing. 

In spite of whatever doubts and fears and problems I was facing, she held a vision of me moving through the pain, growing, maturing, and flourishing.

I'm so grateful for her vision. 

And now I work to bring this same gift of trust and high regard to my clients and family and friends. 

And I can tell you it's life-giving. 

Try it out.

The next time a friend or a child or partner is struggling, don't jump in and join them in their fear. Try not to over-compensate with helping and problem-solving.

Instead, hold a vision of high regard for them and their ability to move through their life. Listen. Ask questions, if you’d like. Maybe remind them of all their wisdom and all their tools. And then tell them how you're not worried about them one bit!

Let me know how it goes!
Brianna

Photo by Andrea Tummons.

difficulty owning and expressing your reality?

Did you know that you can own and express your own reality?

Maybe this seems ridiculously obvious, but for me and so many of the clients I've worked with, it can be a challenge in our closer relationships.

I've been studying Pia Mellody's model for codependence, and she says that one of the five core symptoms of codependence is difficulty owning and expressing our reality. 

An important part of codependence recovery is learning that we can own our reality...and let other people own theirs too!

Wait, what?!

My kids can have their own wildly different thoughts about something and I can have mine!?  (By the way, this doesn't mean we aren't accountable for the impact our reality might have on others.)

I've suffered from a lot of gaslighting, which makes it hard to trust my own reality.

And I often used to confuse agreement for intimacy.

Together, this made it difficult for me to realize that I even had my own distinct reality (and that others do, too), let alone claim it and express it as mine. 

When we don't own our reality, it's hard to show up fully and be fully know—we're like fuzzy blobs.

And it's hard to take responsibility for ourselves when we don't know where we end and others begin. 

So. 

Owning and expressing our reality. 

If you struggle with people-pleasing, fawning, or not trusting yourself, baby steps. 

Try noticing your own reality—your thoughts, feelings, body sensations, behaviors. 

Try noticing when your reality is different from a friend or loved one.  

And then try expressing it, and no need to argue or explain. Just a Huh, I feel/think/act differently about that is a great place to start.

What do you think? I wanna hear about your reality! 

With care, 
Brianna

You are not a problem to be solved

I recently did an archetypal astrology session with the amazing Karen Hawkwood, and I can't stop thinking about something she told me. 

I don't know much about astrology, but according to my chart (and this lines up with my lived experience), she said I have a lot of push/pull within me.

And then she told me that this push/pull and the complexities and different parts in me do not need to be resolved. She said I am not a problem to be fixed!

As soon as she said this I felt my stomach expand and my shoulders relax. 

I've studied self-compassionate work for years, but as a life-long fixer and recovering perfectionist, I tend to forget. I need to be reminded. 

And somehow knowing that even my astrology chart had this message for me made it land in a new way. Ha!  

If you're also one of those people who experience a lot of complicated parts inside you or a lot of push/pull internally, I see you. And if you struggle with perfectionism or always "fixing," I see you, too. 

You are not a problem to be solved.

With care,
Brianna

P.S. By the way, all of this healing and learning is not about perpetual self-improvement. It's about taking conscious responsibility for my life (and my wounds) so that I can grow up and become a nourishing, stabilizing presence in the world. If you wanna do this kind of growing up, too, life coaching can help—sign up for a session!

Photo by Mark Stosberg via unspalsh

Are you coming? Out into the light?

"Are you coming? Out into the light? You who aren’t stone, but flesh? You who aren’t dead, but alive?"

Ah, I love these lines from the short story "Passages" by Elena Penga and I needed to read them again today. And I wondered if they speak to you, too? 

Just in case we needed to know that others are also haunted by impatience with this life (are you coming!?). 

Just in case we needed to know that others are standing a few steps ahead and holding the door open...are you coming?

Just in case we had forgotten our aliveness and had turned to stone (it's so easy to forget). 

Just in case we needed to remember that there are questions like these, that we have choices. 

Are you coming?
Out into the light?
You who aren’t stone, but flesh?
You who aren’t dead, but alive?

Gratefully, in this moment, my answer is yes. What about you? Are any of these questions speaking to you today? 

I'm so glad you're here, 
Brianna

P.S. If you want support around remembering your aliveness, around discovering choices, I’m here.