trust and criticism

Lately I've been coaching a number of creative clients who are dreaming of taking their work or business to the next level but are struggling to trust themselves and envision the way forward. 

And what I keep hearing is fear in the form of self-criticism:

I always have too many balls in the air...
I'll never figure out the tech/logistics/money stuff…
I won't get it right...
I just need to "get it together" and work harder...
It's not ready to share or I'm not ready to take the leap (yet "ready" never seems to come)

And what seems to be really soothing the self-criticism is this cluster of questions centered on trust: 

What if you're not doing anything wrong? (aka you are not a problem to be solved)
What if opportunities flow even more easily when you trust yourself and your longings?
What if it could be this straightforward/easy/simple? 

And the good news is that you don't have to wait until your circumstances feel more trustworthy to begin working with this trust energy. 

In her course on rebuilding trust one of my spiritual teachers Cynthia Bourgeault says this: "To our usual psychological way of looking at things, trust must be earned; it is called forth in response to demonstrated trustworthiness. But there is another way of approaching trust, which has always been the way of the great saints and mystics. From this other angle of approach, trust is not earned so much as bestowed—from a fathomless strength and freedom which lies latent in every human soul, flowing like a wellspring from the heart of God. Anchored in strength rather than gullibility, and impervious to manipulation, this trust is itself a transformative force, flowing into a broken world to bring courage, healing, and reconnection." 

What do you think about this approach? Are you also working with the theme of trust in your life? If you want support around this work, I'm here.

With care,
Brianna

P.S. I'm headed to a training this coming week with the brilliant Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estés (!!!), and I can't wait. I'll be sure to keep you all posted on whatever emerges. 

Photo by Naoki Suzuki

self-love and the initiating power of committing

I'm new to the dating world and so I've been trying to read and learn more about this whole process and I kept hearing about the book Calling in The One. The title is so cheesy and so I was a little skeptical, but when I moved past the title and started reading it, and I've found a lot of wisdom in it.

I wanted to share these lines on self-love: 
"I discovered that true self-love is not an emotion, but a steadfast devotion to realizing one's potentials. A fidelity to the promise of a bright and brilliant future that looks nothing like the wreckage of your past, and a willingness to generate this possibility, over and over again, no matter what. It's dedication to becoming resilient and unstoppable in the direction of your dreams. It's the tireless efforts to create a sense of safety, well-being, and happiness in your life."

I so appreciate this idea that self-love is a deep commitment to your well-being. It makes me tear up just thinking about offering this level of devotion to myself and my dreams, and I like that she says it's not based on emotions but more on tangible and steady actions.

And Katherine goes on to point out how many of us have never made this profound commitment to ourselves and how it's long overdue, especially if we hope to share this kind of commitment with another person. 

What do you think? Does this ring true to you? I'd love to hear. 

With care,
Brianna

P.S. And Goethe on the initiating power of committing: "Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth that ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one’s favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamed would have come his way.” 

photo by @gonchifacello

Being a slow and patient creator

I've been submitting my poetry manuscript to a lot of poetry publishers and I just keep collecting rejection letters. If you're in the process of submitting your work—whew, solidarity!!  

And I'm trying to practice what I tell my editing clients: to remember that this is part of the process and that I don't have to extrapolate and make it mean something terrible. And that I have choices! I may end up self-publishing, for example.

And I've been needing some stories of fellow pilgrims on this journey.

I went back to Spencer Reece's memoir The Secret Gospel of Mark (such a good book about queerness, addiction and recovery, the contemplative Christian path, and all held together by poetry!). Reece's first poetry book was turned down for fifteen years until it found a publishing home—selected by Louise Glück, no less! I loved reading about his patience and faithfulness to his vision and his slow pace. He calls himself a "slow creator" and talks about how his books are decades in the making. 

I've realized during this process that I'm not in a huge hurry and I don't need to publish my book in order to prove myself or my ideas. I actually already genuinely like myself and genuinely like this book!! This might seem like an obvious starting point for most, but for someone who has struggled with a lot of self-doubt, it really is a big shift and offers me a lot of freedom. 

But I also think it makes me a little less "hungry" to get my book published, and we don't have very many examples of people softly and patiently doing the thing they want to do. It's usually all about being hungry, driven, going "all-out."  

So I'm out here look for more examples of people doing what they long to do, but in a softer way. Do you have any recommendations for me—films, shows, books, music?  I'd really love to hear. 

With care,
Brianna

P.S. Spencer Reece's poem "The Clerk's Tale" about his day job as the assistant manager at Brooks Brothers at the Mall of America

Image by @dcbelanger

nourishing song

When I was a student with the Center for Action and Contemplation's Living School, one of the highlights was a week-long retreat in Albuquerque with Fr. Richard Rohr and a group of fellow students.

During that week we sang and danced to devotional music across many mystical and spiritual traditions. My favorite song was the Hindu devotional song "Om Shivay Hari Om Shivay" sung by the famous musician Jagjit Singh.

It feels like it's carrying a special kind of energetic medicine for our world right now, and I listen to it and dance to it often because it's so nourishing. 

Do you have any songs that feel like this for you right now? I'd love to hear. 

With care,
Brianna

P.S. And a powerful devotional chant from Quaker musician Paulette Meier about containing yourself within and trusting your inner light and not being scrambled/pulled in all the directions. 

Photo by Visual Karsa.

can you receive compliments?

I've been gathering testimonials from my clients and it is really vulnerable to ask people to share what I've meant to them and then take that in and receive it!

We stick around after a session and I ask them some questions and record their thoughts and then transcribe and edit it down (I get the okay for all this ahead of time). And each experience of this has made me a little fidgety—can I really take all this in?!?—but it's also been so nourishing and powerful! And I've intentionally tried to receive the words they share and not just slough it off. 

And each time, I've had a deep sense that everyone needs more of this!

I've cried a little and laughed a lot and I feel so aware of the magical co-creative, reciprocal exchange that we're doing with others in this life. And I think this is special medicine for those of us who struggle with receiving.  

So, I have a hunch that asking for a "testimonial" could be a sacred ritual in so many arenas, not just work. What do you think? Would you consider giving this a try with a friend or loved one? Or if you run a small business and you've resisted gathering testimonials, could you try this with your clients? (I've been really thinking about centering friendships and I wanna try this with my friends! Or if you wanna try it with family members, you could come from the perspective of why your soul chose your specific sister, etc)

I think defining a container for it helps honor the giving and receiving that's happening. So if you wanna give it a shot, here's what you can do:
1. Ask someone ahead of time if they will give you a "friend testimonial" or a "loved one testimonial" or "client testimonial" and ask if you can record it and make sure they're up for that. Side note: You might be tempted to just turn around and give them a testimonial in return. But I suggest planning that for another day so you each get to really bask/soak up the love. 
2. Have your questions ready. Here are the questions I asked, thanks to business coach Simone Seol:

• Why did you want to work/friend/partner with me? What about me drew you to me?

• What were some of your biggest concerns and worries about working/friending/partnering with me, if any, before we started? (It's so fun to hear the journey they've gone on from initial fears to where they are now!)

• What has been a favorite part of doing this work/friendship/partnership?

• What was a big transformation you got from our work/friendship/partnership? (And, if relevant: how did that impact different areas of your life?)

• What surprised you the most about working/friending/partnering with me?

• If relevant, who would you recommend me to?

Yes, these questions were intended for client testimonials, but I really like thinking about asking these questions in terms of friendship/partnership/loved ones, too! And this entire conversation can be short—ten to fifteen minutes. Or if you both get into it and have the time, it can definitely go longer!
3. Record the conversation so you can return to it and extra points if you wanna transcribe it and then edit/distill it down into a paragraph or so (I think this really helps us to receive/take it in). And keep this somewhere where you can re-listen to it, re-read it, etc. 
4. Your task is purely to ask the questions and receive the love and encouragement. And then see if you can hold it within, let it nourish you, and not just slough it off. 

Thoughts? Will you let me know if you try this? 

With care,
Brianna

P.S. And if you wanna read a couple of my collected testimonials, here they are. Gah! My bucket is so full! 

"I sometimes fear being judged and I was a little nervous about that with coaching and I wondered if Brianna would be too 'cool' for me. But Brianna’s approach is kind, relatable, and non-judgmental—she’s multi-faceted and comfortable with herself, which allowed me to be more comfortable with myself and all my facets, too. Whatever the topic, Brianna’s close listening and insightful questions either lead me deeper into whatever it is I'm looking at or give me a complete about-face. Most recently, Brianna helped me see that I am, in a sense, the “CEO” of my own health journey and not a victim of my healthcare providers, which was a giant turnaround for me and has helped me have a completely different attitude about my health and my doctors. I am feeling comfortable asking questions, sometimes demanding answers, and I just feel completely different in my approach to my own body and health.” —Rosemoon M.

“I considered many editors for my book. It was not a choice I took lightly, but after interviewing several other editors, it became clear that Brianna is quite simply a magic human—one who can do her job so efficiently and deliver above and beyond her clients' expectations. I'm SO glad I chose her. Not only did she work quickly (which helped me stay on track with the project) but her edits were truly thoughtful, tailored to my voice as an author, and crafted specifically to strengthen the message I'm sharing in my book. To say she made my work stronger would be a ridiculous understatement. Brianna lifted the potential of my book so that it truly has the potential to make a mark in the world.” —Kelly L.

"When I first signed up for coaching, I wondered if I was too type A, too "go-go-go" and project-manager-minded for it to really be effective. What I found is that Brianna has such a gentle and insightful process that I could bring anything to the session, including the “go-go-go” part of me. Brianna excavates but doesn’t use heavy machinery. She helped me look at what's under the rug in all kinds of different contexts and created a space where I was comfortable to go there, to look it in the face, and to work through the limiting beliefs and the sticky emotions with courage and compassion. I’m braver in my life (and made a huge, life-giving career change!) because I've been brave enough to stand with this stuff in session with Brianna." —Steph K.

Photo by Katya Ross.

speed dating

Have you ever done a speed dating event? 

I just went to my first one, and it was so awkward but also fun! Funkward? Awkfun?

I was drawn to the idea of meeting people in real life and having just a few minutes to chat and to see if anything sticks.

We moved around these little tables and everyone had a piece of paper to jot down their notes and to mark if there was anyone they were interested in meeting again. And then if both people marked yes, the organizers of the event would put you in touch with one another. 

Yes to the humbling and humanizing process of talking to strangers and fumbling about and hitting dead ends and long pauses! 

And it didn't disappoint. 

I didn't have any matches, but I really enjoyed myself and my willingness to step into the mix, to be an awkward human out and about with other (awkward) humans, and I wanna go to another one. I’ve heard speed dating events are becoming more popular? If you’re interested in trying it, I just googled my city + speed dating and found some near me.

Anyway, I really like working with this energy in the rest of my life, too—it's basically curiosity plus a willingness to try things. And I think it's so healing, especially for those of us who lean toward planning/perfecting/fear of failure. 

What do you think? Is there a place in your life where saying yes to “awkfun” would be life giving?

Are you being invited to just step into the mix somewhere? I'd love to hear about it. And if you want help working with this energy, I'm here.

With care,
Brianna

Photo by @wocintechchat

mischief over mastery

Julia Cameron (of The Artist's Way) talks about cultivating mischief more than mastery, and I love this sentiment.

I applied this mindset shift recently in planning a party for my son's high school graduation. I was feeling grumpy about all the planning and prep because he doesn't really care about parties and high school was never his thing. I was just sort of stuck in a mindset that this is what people do when their kids graduate and I thought I just had to push through. 

Heavy.
Out of alignment. 
Grumpy. 

But thank goodness I could tell something was off and brought this topic to a coaching session (yes I make sure to do my own coaching work!), and I had the space and the support to get clear on why it wasn't feeling great. 

I realized it was because I was following a cultural norm that didn't really fit me or my son. When I checked in with my deeper wisdom I got clear about this and let it go.

And then I got mischievous.

I'm now hosting a party to celebrate and honor the person my son is becoming in young adulthood and the highlight of it will be a tour of his 20 or so tanks of rare dart frogs that he breeds—his life passion right now! Oh, and he happens to be graduating from high school, which is great. :) 

Once I got clear on this vision, I felt…
energized
light
excited
empowered.

And it felt so good to be mischievous, to break the "rules" rather than trying for some kind of mastery that doesn't even fit. 

Do you have any mischievous idea for other culturally expected celebrations? I'd love to hear. 

Warmly,
Brianna

going on an average retreat

I went on a silent retreat this past week at the nearby Benedictine Abbey of St. Walburga and it was good but also kinda normal/average.

I've been there many times over the past ten years, and I have short notes from all my different visits (Day 2, slept like crap, mind racing about, etc).

What I noticed this time was that it felt like I had less of an entry and exit shock. 

I think because I'm less interested in having ecstatic experiences on retreat only to have it all dissolve when re-entering "real life.” (This can be a real trap—endlessly pursuing the next retreat/program/workshop high. And while our culture seems to always be seeking excitement and ecstasy, actually the word “ecstatic” literally means standing outside yourself while “enstatic” or “enstasy” means collected within yourself.)

And I think there was less of an entry or exit shock because I've intentionally worked to bring the stable energy of the Abbey into my daily life at home. 

So I was more my regular, old self there and I wasn't looking for high intensity or some mystical moment.

I read. I wrote. I was bored. I laughed at myself. I went for walks and it was cold and cloudy and beautiful. I chanted the divine hours with the sisters and saw how they were their regular selves, too. I took one blurry photo from my desk and sent it to my son (see above).

And it was good, and coming home was good, too. 

What do you think? Do you like going on retreats or doing workshops? How do you metabolize these experiences?

With care,
Brianna

How things begin is how they end

In her Dangerous Old Woman audio course (available on Hoopla, the library app) Clarissa Pinkola Estés says she had a family member who would often say "how things begin is how they end." 

Meaning, if something starts out hard or easy, we can take note and trust that as an indicator. 

This is counter-cultural. Our culture tells us to push through and fight and work hard and things will get better. What would you call this...the myth of perpetual improvement? 

But what if we trusted that the way a thing starts is often evidence of how it will go? 

I've been playing around with this idea and keep seeing the truth of it. 

I had a potential editing client ask to meet with me and then they got the time zones off and missed our meeting so we rescheduled and then their audio on the zoom call didn't work and we tried all sorts of troubleshooting. We finally connected and chatted for a bit, and it didn't seem like a great fit, for either of us. And then they emailed to tell me they went with a different editor. Of course they did! Ha. How things begin is how they end. 

Anyway, I like this practice of looking for the seeds of truth in the beginning of a new thing—a relationship, a creative work, a job—and trusting the truth in it, trusting your instincts rather than overriding them. 

It feels like a super-power to stop gas-lighting ourselves and what we likely sense from the very beginning.

And this doesn't mean that just because something starts out hard, we have let it go. It just means that we have more awareness and acceptance about how this thing will likely continue to be challenging for us. Good to know!

You can also reverse-engineer this to see how it plays out: look at an ending and see if there were seeds of truth about it in the beginning.

What do you think? Have you found this to be true in your life? I'd love to hear.
Brianna

Fascinations and non-monetized hobbies

Do you have any hellebore (aka lenten rose) blooming by you?

The ones in my yard started blooming a couple weeks ago, and it was such a shock to see their beautiful flowers here toward the end of "The Brown Time," as I like to call this season in northern Colorado. 

Look at them surrounded by all the dead leaves—I was so happy to see them!

I've been getting into flowers a little bit the past couple years and it feels so good to have an interest that isn't about being productive or optimizing anything or making money.

It's for pleasure.   

And I find the whole flower world fascinating. I've been reading books and watching youtube videos and I haven't done a whole lot of actual gardening—more just watching/reading about other people growing flowers. Ha!

But I did just start some sweet pea seedlings and I'll start some zinnias here in a few weeks. Wish me luck!

I remember a teacher once saying that fascination is attention without effort. That's what this feels like.

Do you have a fascination that isn't "practical" and brings you a lot of pleasure? I'd love to hear. 

With care,
Brianna

p.s. Another hellebore photo (taken by a pro), because they are so pretty! 

Photo by Annie Spratt

Is my energy higher than the thing I'm creating?

I was listening to Elise Loehnen's podcast Pulling the Thread the other day and she said "Your vibration must be higher than the thing you create, otherwise you cannot manage it." 

I really liked this and it's giving me one more way of processing my work with Ruminate, the literary magazine I dreamed up and led from 2006-2019.  

I never could get Ruminate to a place where it was financially sustainable, which felt like a failure at a the time but I've been examining this story lately.

And when I heard Elise's words I wondered: what if we just became energetically mis-matched? Initially my energy was higher than the thing I was creating, but over the years, as Ruminate needed to grow and as I experienced a lot of self-doubt, I found myself feeling ten steps behind and unable to "manage it."

I like this framework—it feels true. And it feels like a kind way of telling the story.

I was talking to a colleague about this the other day and she asked if I ever actually thought an indie literary magazine could be financially viable long-term. I paused and told her: I did! Even though I knew the very nature of literary magazines is that they are ephemeral (I studied this for my Master's Thesis)! And then we both laughed.

What can I say, I'm an optimist and I guess I really like a challenge. Ha!   

Anyway, I think Elise's idea is a useful question for all creatives and entrepreneurs:

Is my energy/vibration/capacity higher than the thing I am creating? If so, green light! If not, it will be difficult to manage. 

And I think it turns out to also be a useful framework for making sense of why things aren't working or didn't work.

What about you? Does this ring true for you?

Are you also metabolizing any old "failure stories" in a new way?

I'd love to hear. 

With care,
Brianna

photo by Karim Manjra

On receiving and translating messages from your intuition + creativity

I am very aware of and sensitive to the sun—it's like I'm heliotropic (when a plant follows the movement of the sun throughout the day). And for awhile I was even thinking of writing an entire book about the sun.

Here in Colorado we average around 300 days of sunshine and the sunshine feels stroooong. My friend who lives here now but grew up in Wisconsin always teases me and her other Colorado-born friends about how quickly we deteriorate (life is terrible!) after just a few days of cloudiness. But it's true. Ha!

And yet, for as much as I appreciate the sun, I'm not a fan of full exposure in it. It's too intense. I get heat rash and I overheat easily. 

So I was doing a visualization the other day and asked my intuition/right brain/spirit what it wanted to foster these days in my work and writing. The message I heard was DAPPLED LIGHT.

Of course it was.  

When I thought about how to translate this into real life, it felt like permission to not be over exposed and courage to not be fully in the shade either.

For example, I love writing to you all, people who have sought out and signed up to receive my letters via email—this feels like the perfect amount of exposure right now. It's dappled light. 

And the thing about dappled light is it happens because of tree branches overhead. So I think I'm needing reminders of something larger standing overhead and filtering/protecting.

How do I translate that into real life? For me, that's my connection with the divine and with the saints and awakened ones beyond this world. My work and my writing need this. I need this.

Practically speaking, I think I'm going to put some sacred images around my desk to help remind me that assistance is available. 

I love receiving this kind of metaphorical information from my intuition and then sitting with it and translating it into real life. 

Does this process speak to you?

You can try it! Get comfy, close your eyes/soften your gaze, and ask your intuition/creativity/right brain/spirit to tell you what it wants to foster in your writing/work/relationships/life.

Let it unfold in your heart or mind's eye. 

And then when you come out of the visualization, jot it down and then start translating it into real life.

If you try this, I'd love to hear how it goes for you!

With care,
Brianna

P.S. If you want help accessing your intuition/right brain/spirit/creativity or if you want help translating, I am here for it!

Photo by Alison Courtney

Although I see the stars, I no longer pretend to know them

I think creativity and mysticism return me to a deeper selfhood. Which might mean that my deeper selfhood is creative and mystical, right? 

I went back to some old notes and found these quotes I'd gathered. 

The poet Christian Wiman writes: “Who knows what atomic energies are unleashed by a solitary man or woman quietly encountering some arrangement of language that gives their being—shunted aside by chores and fears and who knows what—back to them?”

Yes, who knows.

And another one: “Although I see the stars, I no longer pretend to know them,” writes the monk/mystic Thomas Merton.

And more than fifty years later the poet Joy Harjo has a reply: “a sky thrown open / to the need of stars / to know themselves against the dark.”

Yes, I think our creative and spiritual practices become a waltz of Being-ness, of seeing the stars and then losing them and realizing that maybe the stars themselves do this finding/losing thing too. 

It's a waltz of flexibility and courage, of faithfulness and lightheartedness, of making a turn and being frightened and scrambled, of making a turn and feeling yourself stable and present. 

I think it's serious work and it’s holy play.

I'm here for it. 

What about you? Do you think your deeper selfhood is creative and mystical? Do you like to waltz? I really would love to know. 

With care,
Brianna

part 2, the forgotten inner work of writing and publishing

In my previous post I shared my sense that one of the most important aspects of potent writing and publishing is having a "good, settled sense of who we are" (as poet David Whyte puts it). We tend to focus on all the outer elements of writing and publishing and forget this inner work.

I wanted to pick up this thread again and ask: So what do we do if we don't have a good, settled sense of who we are? 

In my editing work, one of the most common problems I see is that the book doesn't have a clear premise, thrust, argument, idea, thesis. It feels blurry or fuzzy or confused, and not on purpose (for some books, the main thrust is to intentionally blur and confuse). 

Now sometimes this is because the author just needs more work with their craft or more time building out their story, but I think many times it's because the author is a little fuzzy about themselves and who they are and what they want. 

So, what do we do about this? Okay, here's the really good news...

The very act of writing a book is an alchemical process of discovery where something new is on the other end. And that "something new" can be many things, but I think it's often a good, settled sense of who we are. 

The very thing we are doing allows us to find the very thing we need!

I think this is so beautiful. And it's a real argument for working with many drafts of a book.

And I think it holds true for the process of publishing as well—the very act of becoming visible and putting yourself out there begins to reveal yourself to yourself. So maybe we try for at least a handful of "drafts" here, too.  

What do you think? I really would love to hear. 

With care,
Brianna 

photo by Cathy Cardno