the need to avoid
A love letter to my fellow avoiders...
When I'm scared about a situation, especially a situation that could bring up a lot of conflict, I have this pattern of not wanting to look at it. It's like I kind of hold it off to the side, in my "blindspot."
This is all pretty unconscious, but I think there's a (younger) part of me that is sure this is the easiest and best thing to do. Except I've found out it takes a lot of energy to keep it shrouded over there in the blindspot. But the need to avoid also feels very real!
And on it goes.
Can you relate—do you do this dance of avoiding or minimizing?
Anyway, I was re-visiting one of my enneagram books the other day (I'm a type 9, the peacemaker) and it talked about how a healthy 9 is able to bring the fullness of their awareness to themselves, others, and the present moment.
That phrasing, "bringing the fullness of my awareness," really got me, and I think this is a kind of remedy for all of us who struggle with avoiding.
Bringing the fullness of my awareness means letting go of the blind spots. It means gathering and letting in all the information and letting myself see everything there is to see, to know everything I know.
In short, it's letting go of denial.
And letting go of denial brings the fullness of myself to a situation and allows for the tensions, and paradoxically, this is also what allows for true intimacy!
I've found that this process can't be rushed. As Melody Beattie says, sometimes denial is a protective device, a necessary shock absorber for our soul. We need it. Until we don't.
Here's how the process goes for me...
Awareness is always the first step. I become aware of my avoiding (symptoms include feeling extra tired and extra fuzzy and grumpy), but often I'm not quite able to shift things right then. So I name this and bring in some acceptance for this dynamic. And then I let it rest. Maybe I do some physical stuff—some weeding, or I clear out some clutter, or I clean some windows so I can see clearly. I keep offering up this dynamic and I keep reminding myself that it's safe to fully know the things I know.
And then it might subtly shift and I just stop needing that blind spot (ah, it feels so good to get all that energy back that was being used to hold that blind spot!). And sometimes it's more drastic. Like one spring day, I'm ready, and I take the action needed.
Either way, I feel full of the truth. That's the best way I can describe it.
What do you think? Have you experienced this kind of process of working with denial?
With care,
Brianna
photo by @motosha